Monday, December 1, 2014

Friendly Fire

Should you be judged for having a friend?

Say you're friends with someone. But one of your other friends doesn't get along. Should you be judged because of that friendship?

I am calling this Friendly Fire. Because honestly that is what it is.

I am friends with someone. We'll say Abigail. Abigail and I aren't truly close. Just when we see each other we are friendly. We understand each other. And if I need something I can go to Abigail and get it. If I need someone to talk to I can go to Abigail. But we don't have each other's numbers so it's just when we run into each other.

Now say I am also friends with Beth and Sam. Well Beth and Sam hate Abigail for x, y, and z reasons. Those reasons you understand. But haven't experienced so you can't agree. But Beth and Sam hate that you are friends with Abigail. When you are around Beth and Sam and stumble upon Abigail there is some hostility.

Say I haven't confronted Beth and Sam. But they realize that I know Abigail and talk to her. Would you be so hostel when around each other? Or would you be friendly.

This is why I say Friendly Fire. I am try to be around people who are my friends. But I am under fire.

Sometimes I don't know what to do. I honestly don't want to look at Beth and Sam and tell them "really I can be friends with more than one person" or "just because I am friends with someone doesn't change who I am".

It gets to the point you want to take a step back. You haven't wanted to say anything because honestly SHOULD YOU?

I've honestly had people dump me as a friend because of what someone else has said. Hasn't been true. I've had some people, who I laugh cause they brag they are Christians, who talk smack about me that isn't true. And then someone else decides they don't want to be my friend. Okay those aren't true friends.

I have split my friends into friends (those people I call true friends) and acquaintances (those who leave you for the above example). If I call you my friend, you are my friend. If I say just someone I know, you are an acquaintance.

I don't want to dumb someone as a friend just because of this Friendly Fire. I don't care if you get along with them. I am their friend for a reason and I won't change my mind by what you say.

I hold friendships dear.

Do you?

Monday, November 24, 2014

You See Everything

Click Play first :)

 When I first heard the Alanis Morissette song Everything it hit close to home. When I watched the music video it hit closer to home.

I actually did what Morissette did in the video. I took a pair of scissors and cut my hair. I then went to the salon and got a pixie cut. I took a photo of the hair in the trash. I wasn't shy of what I did. I admitted it.

I changed my looks for ME.

I then decided to take this one step further...

I got a tattoo. "You see all my light and you love all my dark" Deciding on highlighting the words light and love.

I admitted to myself when I cut my hair I had a lot of dark in me. I mean that is why I have the blog Miles Behind Me. Because I want to leave the dark way behind me. But sometimes you can't.

The whole reason I decided to date my husband was because for the whole time we have known each other he hasn't care about my dark, he's only seen my light. We met when I first moved to Virginia and became friends. We were friends of friends and had met. He was my friend, then became my best friend.

He didn't know I had the tattoo. He didn't realize I had it until we started dating. And I explained it to him. And little did I know he fit the tattoo to a T.

So while it may seem odd I get this tattoo I know what it means. It means so much to me. Just as much as the other tattoos that I have. That I've marked my skin despite my religion due to what the tattoos mean to me. It was worth it.

Every tattoo I have means something important. Just like the next I plan on getting.

Yes I am a tattoo person.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Easter?

I was knee deep into writing a book. The doorbell rang so I ran down the stairs to answer the door. And then I saw the neighbors carrying Easter baskets.

And for that brief moment I had to ask myself... What time of year is it?

For that brief moment my eyes laid upon the Easter baskets the date slipped by, the fact that Thanksgiving was around the corner was gone, the fact I was listening to Christmas music on the radio while I was out was gone... Those Easter baskets made me question everything.

It wasn't just the Easter basket. There was the grass, the eggs. EASTER STUFF!!

And my brain checked out. I barely even invited the person inside. My mind was EASTER.

My husband came home, it was his friend. I ran upstairs and checked my phone. Okay, November 22. It has been November 22 the whole day. I knew the date. My wedding anniversary was yesterday. Was so  happy yesterday.

But that Easter stuff made me question everything. Made me question reality.

Although we know how things work now a days. Christmas stuff is already out. People have their trees up. Christmas Christmas Christmas. Even though Thanksgiving is around the corner.

Can we please take it one holiday at a time?

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

My Veterans Day

I woke up late.

Actually my sailor let me sleep in. He told me to sleep in. Told me to stay in bed until noon.

So I did.

He went out with a shipmate and took advantage of a free breakfast. Thanks IHOP for doing that.

He told me he had a surprise. And I was treated with two cupcakes from my favorite cupcake place.

Then went out to eat at Olive Garden. I was treated to a nice glass of wine. Told to order wine.

Thank you to those who serve our country.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Did you vote? I didn't

I can honestly tell you the last time I voted it was for Gore.

What can I say. I'm a Republican. Err I was. I was a straight ticket Republican. 

Watching the elections that year something deep settled inside of me.

My vote doesn't count.

When it comes down to a Presidential election my vote doesn't count. Your vote doesn't count.

I don't believe in the electoral college voting system.

So I don't vote. I haven't registered to vote since Gore lost.

Do I care about what goes on in our country? Yes.

I don't withhold my vote because I don't care about who represents me. No I do.

I don't vote because I'm standing behind up for a belief that my vote counts. And each vote for President of the United States should count.

You see I'm from Indiana and Indiana is a Republican state. But say the Democrats are in power. Everyone in Indiana votes for a Republican but the Democrats have power. So thus all of Indiana electoral votes go to the Democratic President Elect. Even though the Republicans have said they want a Republican.

If the state is mixed you can't split the vote.

And don't get me started on those who paper vote and mail it in...

I don't vote because I don't believe we truly live in a democratic union where the people get the say of what they truly want.

We don't truly have a free country.

We may have certain freedoms I am grateful for.

I suppose you can say this ends with "I have a dream".

I have a dream one day my vote will count. And when it does. I'll vote.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Sun, Dear Sun, Where Did You Go?

Dear Sun,

Oh my dearest Sun. The bright object that raises in the sky that defines morning from night. I miss thee.

It truly feels nice when the sun finally peaks from the clouds and there is a sunny day. But lately the weather has been gloomy. But what did I expect. I mean we live in the PNW (Pacific Northwest).

Some days I feel like I am chasing the sun. Because I can see it peaking from behind the clouds and I know it's there. I yearn for it to be there.

I miss summer.

I guess that is what I mean to say.

The warmth of my skin.

Hello Fall... or what I call early winter. 40 degree days that make me want to stay in bed. The fact that by 6pm night has come and YAWN it feels like it too. Pitch black dark.

My first winter in the PNW is starting out grand lol.

Vitamin D anyone?

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Selfish?

Katie Hurley recently wrote this article on Huffington Posthttp://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5672519?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063

Entitled There is Nothing Selfish About Suicide. 

I first applaud you Katie for writing that article. The amount of strength you must of had to come forward and share your story.

It's a strength I don't have...

Have I shared my PTSD story? With a handful of people I trust. But I've not shared it with you. 

It's a personal experience. Something I'm not ready to share with many people. Just people that I trust. 

Because it takes strength to come forward with your story. And it's something I don't have yet.

Shortly after the event that caused my PTSD I can honestly say there came a moment where I thought: I'd be better off dead. 

It was the moment I was holding in everything that happened. Hoping some magical thing would happen and it would all disappear. 

I didn't think anyone would understand. I thought too many questions would pop up. And number 1… I was ashamed. 

That shame was enough that it ate me alive. As I've stated before I broke down. I withdrew. I became a broken shell of myself.

Something I agree with Katie is. Unless you've been there, don't judge!! 

It's hard to stare at a dark abyss wondering where your life will go. Realizing your life is in a million pieces and you have NO idea where to begin picking up those pieces, because they are cutting you. They are hurting you. And the darkness feels so good. You don't want to leave. 


I thank my husband for being patient. For realizing something was wrong. For supporting me, literally, when I couldn't. He held me so tightly when I could barely walk telling me he would always be there. Reassuring me he wouldn't leave.

Even when the anger came. He was there. He was saying he wouldn't leave. Even when he KNEW what happened. He loved me. 

It was that love that I needed. The hands of him and others reaching out for me. Not letting me give up. 

My therapist says I'm a fighter. I'm actually a survivor. Figuring out how to navigate things so what happened to me doesn't define me. 

I wake up every day and I remember the darkness. Because I have PTSD it's something I fight. I didn't cause the PTSD. It is something that just happened. It's something I'm trying to overcome. Yet something I realize I cannot control. 

You want to say someone is selfish for taking their life. It's like telling me I'm selfish for having PTSD. Like I wished this upon me. 

I don't want PTSD. I don't want the flashbacks. The sitting in fear. Being afraid. I don't want to shake, something I do. I sing when I remember things, when I have flashbacks or triggers. I think of my Lego people. I try so hard to take my mind off that moment. But once it wasn't so easy. Once I just let that moment take me. 

I was never selfish. 

I experienced a trauma and needed to heal. Nothing about that is selfish.

Same thing with suicide. It isn't selfish. 


Monday, September 22, 2014

Dear Airlines, Be On Time

Dear Airline Companies,

Be on time!!

When I arrived at the airport 2 hours before my flight left I expected the airline company of Frontier to be on time, as stated on their website. 

Nope! 

I stood in line as I watched them do various items, ignoring me as I was first in line, not acknowledging or anything. 10-15 minutes go by before I get told one of the 3 people behind the counter can help me. The friend that was with  me stated out loud how rude this was, then I was helped.

I check my luggage and make my way to the gate where my flight is to take off.

I zoomed through security through a speed I didn't expect. Having traveled since a young age and experiencing different levels of air port security (and mind you being 16 and not being able to speak any other language than English and being instructed in a language I didn't understand) this time was a breeze. Not even 4 minutes.

I arrive to my gate and read the dreaded words of "flight delayed" *insert horror scream*. I am wondering what perhaps several hundred (maybe more I don't know) wonder a day. "Am I going to make my connecting flight?"

I am wanting what typical people want after being away from home for a period of time. I want to be HOME. 

I've been away from home helping out my best friend for a period of time. I just want to get home and wrap my arms around my husband, go to my home, see my dogs, and be in the bed that I haven't been in in a while. 

But I am staring at a screen that says delayed. i

I am then watching the plane that I am to take pull in and the people that were on the plane disembark. I look at the time and I freak. 

So I asked Frontier on Twitter. And this is the response. 

Delayed 57 minutes, nearly an hour. That is how much time I had between flights... That was my layover. 

Now each airport has a specific amount of time between each layover so that the person can make their flight comfortably. 

But here I am sprinting in an airport I have no clue about. I couldn't find my flight. I noticed the coffee line didn't have a line and I grabbed a cup of coffee. I then went to find out where my flight was. 

When I arrived I boarded my plane. Yup. Got there luckily in time. Sat down and was on my way. 

I almost missed my flight. It was cutting it close. Why? Due to the crew of Frontier. Even Frontier admitted it. 

And the crew with my previous take off wouldn't shut the door... Why? Because someone was too drunk/intoxicated. They discussed this where everyone could hear. Finally shutting the door after 3 people who weren't assigned seats finally sat down. 

I used to love to fly. But it's become more of a hassle. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Time Away

Redeye Flight
I imagined that I would sleep on this flight. Little did I realize that every time I would fall asleep something would happen. And during the last three hour stretch of it screaming baby, hey we both didn't want to be there but it wasn't acceptable for me to scream ;)

Bagel
Deliciousness of bagels. How I missed thee. 
I have yet to find a good bagel place in the Seattle area. So of course I had to go to Yorgi's. 

Swimming

No, not in the pond


I went swimming for a grand total of 1 time... This was upsetting since during the trip I stayed at various hotels. And pools?? Umm yeah broken ones lol


Empty
I've never seen this stretch of road so empty. We were on our way to base so my best friend could check out of the Navy, becoming a civilian again. 

That one time I crashed a wedding...

Yeah... It's sure a story to tell...

Sushi on fire

Bugs
I can definitely say I've had my share of bugs. 

I've enjoyed this time away. A mini vacation for me. But helping my best friend end his Navy career and move to the Midwest to begin his civilian job. 

Can't wait to be home

Friday, August 15, 2014

Vacation, it's where I want to be


It's been a while since my feet has been in sand. And that is what I did today. 

I walked along the Atlantic Ocean. Taking in the rays of the sun, the people around me. 

I had forgotten how hot the sun gets. And scurried on my flip flops after the fun in the sun.

I did not go swimming in the ocean. For selfish reasons. I've gotten my hair the way I want it and didn't want the salt water ruining it. 

I had my favorite bagel for breakfast and headed to the beach. 

It was the perfect start for my first official day of vacation. 

Rested up the day I landed due to the jet lag. 

Tomorrow brings something unique. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Depression

I was sadden to hear the loss of a great comedian and supporter of our troops, Robin Williams.

It is alleged that he committed suicide. I say alleged due to the facts not being known 100% yet.

Robin Williams admitted having depression. 

I know about being depressed. 

I've had OCD since a very early age. Combined with my learning disorder I experience high anxiety, or generalized anxiety. This had lead to depression in the past.

But to be honest. I didn't know the true meaning of depression until recently. 

I have PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder. 

After a traumatic event PTSD can occur. But what defines it has PTSD is a certain amount of time that has passed since the event occurred. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD before that time had passed. But I was also to a point where I had shut down. 

I let the event that occurred swallow me whole. I relived it, breathed it, locked it inside of myself for so long I was a crumped mess on the floor. 

My husband came home and found me. He scooped me up and held me. And I told the secret I had been carrying with me I silence. 

You see... Sometimes people suffer in silence. Sometimes it's too much for anyone to share so they keep it inside. It eats at them so much. And the more it eats the more it consumes you. 

By this point I was shaking and could barely talk. I had let this event eat me up and it spit me out into a heaping mess. When I say shaking... I mean my husband had to walk behind me to support me because I could barely walk. I could barely talk. What had happened to me was enough to damage my myelin. It was PAINFUL.

Slowly as I realized I did not have to go through this alone, that I didn't have to be strong enough!! There were people around me that would pick me up, literally!! and carry me. Tell me jokes just to see me smile. Never asked me about my pain and waited for me to tell. Because it's my story. 

There were so many times I had to remind myself that I'm a victim. I had to choose to live in the light and not let the dark swallow me. 

This journey of mine has been a long process. 

I still have PTSD. I don't know how long I will have it. But I'll tell you that I'll be okay. 

I'm still not ready to discuss the events that occurred. It's still has raw as when it first happened. But I have my way of handling things when they come up. Like if I experience a trigger and a flashback occurs. Or I burst into tears for no reason. Shake uncontrollably. Afraid. Scared. 

But I'll be okay. 

And thanks to my friends who let me use Frozen or Pitch Perfect references because those movies are a coping mechanism. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Vacation!!

The excitement and trepidation at the awaiting vacation a head of me. 

I have plane tickets in hand. Leaving Sea-Tac and returning. But here's the trick...

I semi know the travel destination.

What?

I am leaving Seattle and arriving at destination A. Then driving to destination B. Visiting destination C a lot. Then heading to destination D to return to Seattle. 

Two destinations are in the same state. Destination B & C. Destination A & D are not. 

It's a vacation that is well needed!!

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Thursday, June 19, 2014

It's your story, but tell me did you lose a shoe?

Our PCS Journey

 

It was a cool day when we packed up the truck and said goodbye to Virginia.

This had been a place Nick and I called home for several years. But we were excited to leave.

We went to Indiana to visit family.

Blurry Lousville above. Nick was driving and I was using my cell phone. But I love the colors in the photo.

We drove from Virginia leaving in the afternoon.  We decided to drive straight through. We took separate vehicles because Nick was driving the truck and I had the car.

We spent a few days visiting family. And then we started heading to Washington.

The Plain States

I mentioned to someone who was soon PCSing themselves to Washington that the drive wasn't that bad.  But I had to admit that in the plain states I started questioning why we were doing this. 

It seems I could only take so much flat land lol. 

Our first true stop was Mt Rushmore.  We decided to stay the night in Keystone which was a lovely quaint town. And I'm glad it wasn't the busy season lol.



Of course we PCS'd during the WINTER!















And then we went to Devil Tower




And then we hit our second set of mountains...


Because our next stop was Yellowstone!!

Yellowstone

I jumped for joy when I found out Yellowstone would be open when we were PCSing. We decided to stay on Cody, Wyoming... because hotel was wonderful.  But with the drive to Yellowstone don't do this when the road to Cody and Yellowstone is closed. Which it was and it was a 3 hour drive to Yellowstone.



Nick freezing




Did I mention it was snowing??

Old Faithful

Waiting for Old Faithful to blow

 
And an hour later...
We PCD's during WINTER!! Once we started heading up the mountains the SNOW started.  Now in Virginia when it snowed it basically shut everything down.  But what I found out in higher altitude is that it is actual SNOW! Snow flakes!! I hadn't seen snow flakes in a while. Mush in Virginia.

And my darling husband waited with me for Old Faithful to blow. Gotta love that man.  It was over an hour... we waited over an hour in the cold, snowing, wet... you get the point.

We made it in one piece. Some of our furniture didn't.  Thankfully when we arrived Nick's Sponsor helped us move in. With my bad shoulder I could barely lift anything.

We then ran to Ikea to replace the things that broke...

I don't think I can explain the feeling you get when you open the back of a moving truck and see pieces of furniture you love crumbled. You just have to square your shoulders and say "I guess I truly didn't need that."  And smile ever so loving at your husband because now you're out a dresser.

Ikea to the rescue. We picked up 2 dressers for less than what we thought, thus we bought two. Stained them a nice dark color.

Ohh... I'm leaving out the BEST part.

Everyone has a horror story for when they PCS, right?

We were in the middle of nowhere  Montana and the car stops working. The check engine light came over and I pulled over and turned off the car... and the gas peddle stopped working.

Luckily my quick action. I called for a tow truck and sent my husband into the next town to rent a tow.  The tow truck came and we hooked up the car to the dolly (after meeting up with my husband in the next town).  It is VERY hard to explain to someone where you are when you are looking at your map in your iPhone and explaining to them.  Because I was in the middle of mile markers I didn't know which mile marker I was at, just the town I was near.  But at the end of the day it took about 2 hours out of our schedule.

Nick drove the rest of the night and in the wee hours of the morning we ended up in Western Washington.  We went to our apartment, signed our lease, and began unpacking.  And rented a car after taking ours to get fixed.  Thankfully it was just the computer issue and after reprogramming the car was fine.

I enjoyed our trip across the United States.  Glad that we got to visit the things that we did. And I smile as I say this...... I HOPE TO NEVER PCS AGAIN!!!!

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Just Eat Cake

I've had a really bad week...
So I ended up at a bakery.

I bought a half a dozen donuts and took a pic to tease my husband. 
This bakery has cupcakes too. Bacon cupcakes and donuts at that. So had to tease my husband. 

It seems that once your hubsand goes away everything goes wrong. And that is all I've had all week long. 

So donuts for dinner tonight. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Mary Kay Review

I received some Mary Kay products through Influenster in a Mary Kay VoxBox. 

 
I was initially excited to have been offered this. But due to moving the box was delayed. No big deal though. And when I opened up the box a near complete makeover was included.

Eye liner cream, bronzing powder, blush, translucent powder, eye shadow, mascara, and lip gloss. 

 Also included were brushes. Three brushes: powder, eye shadow, and eye liner. 

The eye shadow was a cream based eye shadow. 
I wasn't a fan... I applied this with the brush included specifically for cream eyeshadow and concealor (written on the brush). I had a hard time with the application. I applied the above look with my finger, that was easier for me. 

Next I used the gel eyeliner...
The brush was too hard for my liking. I am a fan of gel eyeliner and my previous brush worked better. But this is the brush Mary Kay provided. It's compact. But too rough for me. 

Next I applied some bronzer. Now I have not had success with bronzer before. But this ended up being the best one I've tried. But I don't like how it came. Mary Kay sells it like this so you can pop it out and put in cases, did not include a case. And kept falling out of this container. 

I then applied the blush. I use Nars blush. This was a bit deeper color. It turned out great though.

So here is my overall look. I do not like the lip gloss. It has a strange feel to it. I ended up wiping it off after taking this photo. Nick says this color looks good on me but wouldn't kiss me because "it feels gross". 

I used to buy Mary Kay products but due to the lip gloss and other texture of their products I stopped. I usually get Nars. So I was excited to try this out!!

Overall yes it was lovely. But I would ditch a few things. The eye shadow will go in my purse because it's an easy on the go application. The gel eyeliner just needed a brush change and it was good to go. As you can see the application with the brush provided wasn't good. And you need eye makeup remover if you made a mistake. 

I hated the lipgloss. But this is the issue I've had before with Mary Kay. I never liked their lipstick or lipgloss. I would have never picked that color for myself but it looks good on me. 

The blush and bronzer I would have never picked out and glad I received them. They will stay in my makeup routine for now. 

I am satisfied with the Mary Kay products. I was happy with what I received. But it wasn't enough to change my mind about their makeup. 

I'm still a Nars/Urban Decay girl. Their texture just feels better. 

This is my review for the Influenster Mary Kay VoxBox which was provided to me by Influenster. 

Homemade Fish Sticks or Fish Fingers

Blogging from my phone again since my laptop charger hasn't arrived. 

I went to Pike Place Market and got some halibut. While eating some baked halibut I just thought that this fish would be a great fish to make fish sticks out of. 

So I tried it. My first attempted I made fish nuggets. I can admit I was nervous so made smaller ones in case they weren't good. 

But they were a hit. 

So I decided to do fish sticks or what I call fish fingers because I made them bigger than fish sticks. 


First you're going to need white fish. I used halibut but there are other types of white fish you can use. I took the skin off and sliced them into thick chunks. 

For the wet mix I used 2 eggs. For the dry mix I used bread crumbs, panko, garlic powder, onion powder, salt & pepper (you can add more it's up to you). 

I dipped the fish into the wet mix, then the dry mix. I tried to use a wet hand and dry hand but let's face it... Doesn't always work out that way. 

I then fried them in canola oil. And tada. 


Fish fingers!!

These are yummy. I pair them with my version of curly fries. 

Now go make yourself some fish sticks!! 

Nick wants me to make these in advance to freeze so he can bake them. They are that good!!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Trip Through iPhone Photos

I will properly add photos of our trip later but for now these. 

Mount Rushmore... Honestly isn't as big as I thought it would be. But it's breathtaking. 

Devil Tower... Now this thing is huge. 

And I heard my first rattle snake in Montana. Joy! 

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Update

So just to update as I haven't blogger recently. 

Nick and I moved to Washington state. We travelled from the East Coast through the Midwest and found our way to the West Coast of Washington. 

We visited family back home. 

Visited some things on the way. 

I have plenty of photos to share. 

Problem... I left my laptop charger at a relatives house so waiting for it to be shipped. Once I get it I can upload photos of our awesome journey. 

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Being helpful...

I've recently experienced something traumatic... traumatic enough that I have PTSD.

The twitching began first, then the flashbacks, the fear... the fear of each day of it happening again.

I shake, more like rocking.  Sometimes I can stop, like when I take the medicine to help me sleep.  I enjoy those 5 seconds in the morning when I wake up and I am not shaking, I haven't started shaking.  Those pure 5 seconds of bliss, bliss is the term I want to use, before the shaking stops.

I want to forget what happened, bury it behind me and pretend it never happened. JUST FORGET IT.

But I can't.

I've had to explain over and over I have PTSD.  That a doctor told me that I have the worst case of PTSD that he's seen, and he's seen people coming straight back from war with PTSD.

My body hurts, from the shaking.  I'm sore.  If I fight the shaking it hurts worse, so I've learned to just go with it.

I've had to go out.  Not just because I don't want to be a hermit, but because I have to talk to people. I've had to seek help.  And people stare.

They stare, and no your staring doesn't magically make my shaking stop.
Actually it tends to make me worse... because I feel those stares.

To be helpful, don't stare.
Don't give me medical advice, psychological advice... I HAVE PEOPLE WHO PROFESSIONAL DO THIS FOR ME!!!

Don't ask me to talk about it. I RE-LIVE IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

You can ask me how my day is, what I have planned. You can do so many different things.

So I'm asking be helpful, don't be harmful.

PTSD is hard enough to deal with. It's invisible wounds that hurt. It takes time to heal.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Perspective

I recently had a lesson in perspective that has opened my eyes.

I have a white dwarf rabbit.  Every now and again I give him a page from a newspaper. He rips this page into tiny pieces.  I think he enjoys doing it...

Recently Nick asked me "what if he doesn't like it? ...  what if it pisses him off and he's ripping the paper in spite."

I never thought of that...

So we both watched him with the paper.  When we walk into the room he immediately freezes. Nick has caught him in mid freeze pushing the paper behind him in a sorta "it wasn't me" situation.  We cannot tell if he truly likes the paper.

When I give him hay he gets a specific reaction what I would define "I love this stuff".  He does sort of a little dance. But of course when I put the hay in his cage it tends to have pieces sprinkle down on him. He has a multilayer crate and I always put it on the top but it does trickle down.

Does he get that reaction when I put in the paper? No, but he does immediately go to the paper. No matter which layer in his crate he's in he goes to the paper and starts ripping.

Normally I purchase some paper cottony bedding for him.  But I haven't had time to run to the pet store lately and he needed his bedding changed. I was shredding some documents and it just clicked. I changed out his old bedding and put in the shredded documents.

He didn't go down to the bottom layer. I kinda laughed in the morning when I found his pee outside of the crate. Yes he will pee on the upper layers and it goes out of the crate.

So I took him and placed him into the paper bedding.  He sniffed around and then began to play.

I was given the perspective of a rabbit.  One that I can't know 100% of either side.  This was new for me and a lesson I needed.

So I've been planning a perspective experiment. I am going to be blogging about it and feel pretty excited about it.

But if anyone happens to know if rabbits like to shred paper let me know...

Friday, March 14, 2014

Nail Biting and Anxiety

I have been a nail biting since the ripe old age of 4.
Okay at least I think I was 4.  My parents divorced when I was in kindergarten so it was before then...

I watched a family friend biting her nails. I didn't understand, wondered about it. And I did it. Not only did I do it but no one told me to stop or did anything to stop me.

I began to bite my nails as the stress around me increased. I would bite my nails so much that they would bleed.  If I couldn't bite them any lower I would begin peeling them.

Biting my nails was a way for me to escape what was going on around me.

I didn't find out until later on that biting my nails was linked to my anxiety.

When I was a young child I was diagnosed with a learning disorder.  When I got older I found out that this learning disorder was the cause of my anxiety and OCD. WHAT?
Yeah I didn't truly understand it but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Throughout the years I would attempt to grow out my nails. I have a lovely collection of nail polish that is ever growing.  Painting my nails helps me not to bite. In fact some times I will change the polish every day (has to do with the OCD part).

Well when the New Year rolled around I said I wanted to do one thing. I wanted to stop biting my nails. I even went and purchased new nail polish. I began applying it and slowly my nails began to grow.
The bottom photo is when I received the nail polish and started my journey. The ring finger is a Zoya Pixie nail polish and honestly the texture of this nail polish helped reinforce myself not to bite. I would feel it against my lip and pull it away. I also had help from Nick who would remind me to stop, pull my hands away from my mouth, and most of all WOULD ASK WHAT WAS WRONG.

Talking about why I was anxious helped.  Taking anxiety medicine helped. 

The top photo is my nail length now with polish and the left is my nail length without polish. They are growing super fast and I have been cutting and filing them down.  Do you see the white spots? I've been cutting those out. And I've been taking some supplements each day to help.  If you see the tips of my nails those white spots and semi see through spots, low on calcium.

This has been a very long and hard journey for me.  I know that I will always have anxiety.  There isn't a way to get rid of it, I can only just manage it.  I have learned the higher my anxiety is the more pronounced my OCD is.  I have to do a balancing act.  But in all honestly sometimes it's just best to let my OCD take over to help relieve some of my anxiety. 

And the one thing I've learned is that it's okay to take medicine.  There is nothing wrong with taking medicine. I can tell you that 100% because when I am anxious and take my medicine there is a distinct difference.  And when I am having a panic attack and at that moment the life that I know stops existing the medicine helps.

It's my goal to grow my nails out longer than pictured. I've just been cutting them to get out certain defects, which many of us have.  When I first started growing out the ends of my nails were brittle, had grooves. Now they don't.  It's a healthy start.

I can't say that I am a better person because I have nails versus not having nails. I can just say that it's nice to look down and not have your nail beds bleeding because of the damage I did.

The one thing I want you all to know is to never judge someone because they bite their nails. You don't know why they bite their nails and it could be a deep lying issue.  Try and be supportive. I grew tired of people asking me why I bit my nails. It was a deeper issue than they could have ever understood.


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Following :)

Okay if you follow me along can you please leave your blog link in the comments.

If I need permission to view your blog can you give it to me?

I switched over emails so lost some blogs and lost permission to view some blogs.

I would greatly appreciate it!!

If you have a button let me know so I can put it on my blog.

Thanks :)

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Book Review: His Lady Mistress

The next book I am reviewing is actually a book I've had for a while. I've had this book on my Kindle and it was one of the books I first read ever so long ago when I first got the Kindle app.

His Lady Mistress is by Elizabeth Rolls and is from the Harlequin Historical series. It is a romance novel.

The book takes place in the 1800's in England.  Follows a young girl during the perils of her life after she has lost both her parents, and covers the death of her parents.  She first loses her mother, and then witnesses the lose of her father which leaves her an orphan.  She is sent to live with family who denies her existence and she ponders what her life would be like if she was whom she really was.

I recommend for anyone who likes a good romance novel to read this.  This book reminded me of the books I read when I was younger, the ones I would sneak from my mother (the good ol' Danielle Steele books). Perhaps that is why it is one of my favorites. I end up reading it once a year, so yes I've read it a lot.

Verity Scott is a young girl and at the age of 15 she loses both of her parents.  At her father's grave she is caught trying to visit it, in reality she is trying to lay down bulbs. By the act of her father taking his own life left her destitute. The one act of kindness she receives that night stays with her.

She is sent off to live with an Uncle.  Her Aunt treats her like a servant, changes her name, and she is mistreated.  The one act of kindness by the savior returns... does he remember her? Does he save her again? What will happen???

Read the book.

Okay I am on the fence on my reviews and not wanting to give too much away.

Do any of you read my reviews? Give me feedback please.



Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Shoulder Troubles

Just when I think tearing my labrum was bad...

I went and injured my AC and rotator cuff.

It's still a mystery how this happened. But for a while now I've been working with one arm. The pain was so bad I didn't dare use my right arm.  And I became very good at doing things with my left hand.

The swelling has finally gone down to where I can use my right arm. Yay!!

But my AC and rotator cuff are inflamed and waiting for things to calm down. Doing physical therapy and stuff.

Trying not to use it. But frankly have to at times :/


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

J'Adore

I recently received the J'Adore VoxBox from Influenster.

Inside the box contained:
  • Boots Botanics Shine Away Ionic Clay Mask ($9.39)
  • Hershey's Kisses Milk Chocolates ($5.29)
  • Frizz Ease 3-Day Straight Flat Iron Spray ($9.99)
  • KISS Looks So Natural Lashes ($3.99)
  • Red Rose Simply Indulgent Teas ($.4.49)
  • Vaseline Men Spray Lotion ($7.99)

Boots Botanics Shine Away Ionic Clay Mask

The first thing I tried was the Boots Botonics Shine Away Ionic Clay Mask.  You had to peel away the back for the instructions, which I found hard to peel.  It said to apply to a cleansed face so I cleaned my face my normal way.  Then applied the mask liberally to my face. I have some photos.



It was gooey. The mask drieTrd fairly quickly in my opinion.  The instructions said to wait 10 minutes so I set the timer.  I am an impatient person and this 10 minutes seemed a lot.  I ended up reorganizing my coupon binder to eat up the time.  The instructions say to wipe off the excess which I didn't seem to have.  I rinsed off the mask, which at this point I wished that I didn't put any on my neck because it was hard to get to without getting my shirt wet.  My face was tighter!!!!

This was an amazing experience. One that I will use once a week.  And will purchase more once I run out.

Hershey's Kisses

I love Hershey's Kisses and these went into my candy bowl.

Frizz Ease 3-Day Straight Flat Iron

I've used Frizz products before and this one does not let down the Frizz name.  It works just as described. I just wish it didn't need the flat iron to achieve the look.

KISS Looks So Natural Lashes

I am not a fan of fake lashes. I have a hard time putting them on.  I did manage to get one of these on and they do look natural. I would recommend anyone to get these lashes.  You could barely tell that I had them on.

Red Rose Simply Indulgent Teas

I'm truly not a big tea drinker.  But I did sit down and try one of these and YUM!  

Vaseline Men's Spray Lotion

So of course this was given to Nick to try. He was worried that it would be greasy. But it wasn't. Very easy to apply.  I would have posted the picture but who wants to see his hair legs. lol

I loved trying all of these products thanks to Influenster.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

My Journey of Finding Caner

In 2013 I began this crazy journey.  Crazy because it wasn't something I even suspected.  Crazy because I didn't even want it.  And crazy because how it felt me feeling.

In March, May, and September I had 3 serious kidney infections.  The one in September was by far the worst.  These kidney infections made me change my lifestyle.  I began eating foods that would help my kidneys out.  Researched online about flushing my kidneys and which foods would be best. But the one thing I could not fix on my own was the fact I was peeing blood.

When it was found that there was blood in my urine, and there was no signs of infections, that is when the worry set in.  I had an ultrasound done and it was found that my right kidney wasn't functioning properly.  Sure just let it roll off your shoulders that your kidney was being lazy.  The left kidney functioned perfectly but the right... well...

A CT with contrast was ordered.  IV contrast was administered, and let me tell you if you haven't had this be prepared. I actually went to the bathroom before because I knew what to expect. But you have a warming feeling in your throat then DOWN THERE. And honestly to me feels like you peed your pants.

I can get claustrophobic at times in certain situations. So I closed my eyes during the CT, which honestly isn't that bad.  And picture myself on the beach and concentrate on that.

When I got the phone call with the results of the CT it wasn't what I was expecting.  I was thinking cysts or something like that due to my sister telling me she had cysts on hers. I was told they found a lesion on my right kidney and they wanted an MRI.

A lesion is a fancy way of saying there is something there but they don't know what it is. So they want to find out what it is.

After the phone call I went to Google. 

A CT determined that I had a lesion on my right kidney.  A lesion is a fancy way of saying there is something there but we have no idea what it is.  When I first heard that they found a lesion in the CT and that I would need an MRI I began Googling things.

No, I didn't WebMD because let's face it if you ever go to WebMD for something it will end up saying you've had cancer or some weird thing you couldn't possibly have. I ended up on Urology Care Foundation. I also looked up articlIes on NCBI, National Center for Biotechnology Information, about lesions on kidneys in CT's and MRI's.  I'm a science person so it's easy for me to look up an article and read more detailed information.

The time came for the MRI.  After I was laying down on the MRI table I was given an IV.  Now this was complicated because I can't raise my right arm, I'll get to that later.  I was strapped down and sent into the MRI.

Have you had an MRI?  I would say it's like being inside a tube of toothpaste?  I compare it to that. You are squeezed into a tube, it's white inside... toothpaste.  And with the ear plugs in sounds like there is construction going on with jack hammers... it's loud.

The countdown to the MRI and the countdown to the results I repeated one thing to myself.

I have cancer

I know what you are thinking... Why on Earth would you be repeating that? Because I didn't want cancer.

You see I faced the same thing a few years ago.  Something came back on my pap smear and so a biopsy was taken.  I kept thinking "I don't have cancer"... "I can't have cancer."  And on the phone with the nurse as she described what they found was the textbook definition of stage 1 cervical cancer.  I had everything taken out but my ovaries.  I went back to get retested. Thankful I didn't need chemo or radiation. I still have to go back every so often to get tested to see if it came back. But I was lucky. This time I didn't want to chance it. So I said I had cancer.  That just my luck it would be cancer.

I went into the doctors and got the results.  It's a cyst.  The cyst is around my right kidney and other things. Medical terminology to describe it.  And I am being referred to someone because of the kidney issue and cyst.  So hopefully soon my right kidney is back to normal functions.

While I don't have cancer this gave me a scare.  It is a great possibility. 

So for myself, for YOU, for your family and friends.  Go get checked.  Stop and think of when the last time a doctor evaluated you and your health? Go get looked at.



Monday, February 3, 2014

Raise Your Arm Challenge

Recently I took the Dove Raise Your Arm Challenge.

I was supplied Dove Advance Care Deodorant through Influenster.

Did you know that you can remove 36% of your skin when you shave?
I didn't know until my Dove Deodorant Influenster Box came in the mail.

This will be a review of Dove Advance Care Deodorant (Dove) that I received as a part of Influenster to check out and review. 

The container isn't one that I've seen before in a deodorant. Actually when I first opened the box and saw this I thought it looked more like a haircare product.  It's 2.6oz and states that it is a 48 hour antiperspirant deodorant.

 I put it on shortly after receiving it. Due to the snow in the area we haven't received mail in a few days so our mail came quite early when this arrived.

The smell is a floral scent and reminds me of Dove products. I use Dove soap to wash with.

Currently I use Secret Clinical Strength Waterproof. It comes in a 1.6oz container and has 20% antiperspirant.

Overall I prefer the Dove over the Secret.  The smell is better and the quantity is more. But does it work better than Secret?

After I put it on I slid on a black tank top (yes it's winter this was my base layer). And the Dove did not smear all over the tank top. So thumbs up on that!!

I had an appointment. I had hurt my shoulder and needed an MRA to see what was wrong. So off to the hospital I went.  I had to go to Fluoroscopy first. My shoulder was numbed and a very large needle was stuck into my shoulder to inject dye (it was not fun). Even though my shoulder was numb it hurt and I know I was sweating a lot.

I then went over to the MRI.  Not sure if you've ever had an MRI but I basically tell people it's like being inside a tube of toothpaste. It is very narrow. By this point I'm in a lot of pain and I know I'm sweating.

Did the Dove let me down? No!

I finished with the MRI. Went and got dinner. And then watched Nick play with Lulu in the snow. And here several hours later it's like I just put it on.

So Dove now I challenge you. I will be running a 5K in May.  Can you handle that? We'll see.

I recommend that you go out and purchase this deodorant. Especially if you are like me and tend to sweat a lot, especially in nervous situations.

I've used this deodorant for the past few days... and I've noticed a difference.

So why don't you take the Dove Raise Your Arm Challenge and see what Dove Deodorant can do for you.