Thursday, March 27, 2014

Being helpful...

I've recently experienced something traumatic... traumatic enough that I have PTSD.

The twitching began first, then the flashbacks, the fear... the fear of each day of it happening again.

I shake, more like rocking.  Sometimes I can stop, like when I take the medicine to help me sleep.  I enjoy those 5 seconds in the morning when I wake up and I am not shaking, I haven't started shaking.  Those pure 5 seconds of bliss, bliss is the term I want to use, before the shaking stops.

I want to forget what happened, bury it behind me and pretend it never happened. JUST FORGET IT.

But I can't.

I've had to explain over and over I have PTSD.  That a doctor told me that I have the worst case of PTSD that he's seen, and he's seen people coming straight back from war with PTSD.

My body hurts, from the shaking.  I'm sore.  If I fight the shaking it hurts worse, so I've learned to just go with it.

I've had to go out.  Not just because I don't want to be a hermit, but because I have to talk to people. I've had to seek help.  And people stare.

They stare, and no your staring doesn't magically make my shaking stop.
Actually it tends to make me worse... because I feel those stares.

To be helpful, don't stare.
Don't give me medical advice, psychological advice... I HAVE PEOPLE WHO PROFESSIONAL DO THIS FOR ME!!!

Don't ask me to talk about it. I RE-LIVE IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

You can ask me how my day is, what I have planned. You can do so many different things.

So I'm asking be helpful, don't be harmful.

PTSD is hard enough to deal with. It's invisible wounds that hurt. It takes time to heal.

Monday, March 17, 2014

Perspective

I recently had a lesson in perspective that has opened my eyes.

I have a white dwarf rabbit.  Every now and again I give him a page from a newspaper. He rips this page into tiny pieces.  I think he enjoys doing it...

Recently Nick asked me "what if he doesn't like it? ...  what if it pisses him off and he's ripping the paper in spite."

I never thought of that...

So we both watched him with the paper.  When we walk into the room he immediately freezes. Nick has caught him in mid freeze pushing the paper behind him in a sorta "it wasn't me" situation.  We cannot tell if he truly likes the paper.

When I give him hay he gets a specific reaction what I would define "I love this stuff".  He does sort of a little dance. But of course when I put the hay in his cage it tends to have pieces sprinkle down on him. He has a multilayer crate and I always put it on the top but it does trickle down.

Does he get that reaction when I put in the paper? No, but he does immediately go to the paper. No matter which layer in his crate he's in he goes to the paper and starts ripping.

Normally I purchase some paper cottony bedding for him.  But I haven't had time to run to the pet store lately and he needed his bedding changed. I was shredding some documents and it just clicked. I changed out his old bedding and put in the shredded documents.

He didn't go down to the bottom layer. I kinda laughed in the morning when I found his pee outside of the crate. Yes he will pee on the upper layers and it goes out of the crate.

So I took him and placed him into the paper bedding.  He sniffed around and then began to play.

I was given the perspective of a rabbit.  One that I can't know 100% of either side.  This was new for me and a lesson I needed.

So I've been planning a perspective experiment. I am going to be blogging about it and feel pretty excited about it.

But if anyone happens to know if rabbits like to shred paper let me know...

Friday, March 14, 2014

Nail Biting and Anxiety

I have been a nail biting since the ripe old age of 4.
Okay at least I think I was 4.  My parents divorced when I was in kindergarten so it was before then...

I watched a family friend biting her nails. I didn't understand, wondered about it. And I did it. Not only did I do it but no one told me to stop or did anything to stop me.

I began to bite my nails as the stress around me increased. I would bite my nails so much that they would bleed.  If I couldn't bite them any lower I would begin peeling them.

Biting my nails was a way for me to escape what was going on around me.

I didn't find out until later on that biting my nails was linked to my anxiety.

When I was a young child I was diagnosed with a learning disorder.  When I got older I found out that this learning disorder was the cause of my anxiety and OCD. WHAT?
Yeah I didn't truly understand it but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Throughout the years I would attempt to grow out my nails. I have a lovely collection of nail polish that is ever growing.  Painting my nails helps me not to bite. In fact some times I will change the polish every day (has to do with the OCD part).

Well when the New Year rolled around I said I wanted to do one thing. I wanted to stop biting my nails. I even went and purchased new nail polish. I began applying it and slowly my nails began to grow.
The bottom photo is when I received the nail polish and started my journey. The ring finger is a Zoya Pixie nail polish and honestly the texture of this nail polish helped reinforce myself not to bite. I would feel it against my lip and pull it away. I also had help from Nick who would remind me to stop, pull my hands away from my mouth, and most of all WOULD ASK WHAT WAS WRONG.

Talking about why I was anxious helped.  Taking anxiety medicine helped. 

The top photo is my nail length now with polish and the left is my nail length without polish. They are growing super fast and I have been cutting and filing them down.  Do you see the white spots? I've been cutting those out. And I've been taking some supplements each day to help.  If you see the tips of my nails those white spots and semi see through spots, low on calcium.

This has been a very long and hard journey for me.  I know that I will always have anxiety.  There isn't a way to get rid of it, I can only just manage it.  I have learned the higher my anxiety is the more pronounced my OCD is.  I have to do a balancing act.  But in all honestly sometimes it's just best to let my OCD take over to help relieve some of my anxiety. 

And the one thing I've learned is that it's okay to take medicine.  There is nothing wrong with taking medicine. I can tell you that 100% because when I am anxious and take my medicine there is a distinct difference.  And when I am having a panic attack and at that moment the life that I know stops existing the medicine helps.

It's my goal to grow my nails out longer than pictured. I've just been cutting them to get out certain defects, which many of us have.  When I first started growing out the ends of my nails were brittle, had grooves. Now they don't.  It's a healthy start.

I can't say that I am a better person because I have nails versus not having nails. I can just say that it's nice to look down and not have your nail beds bleeding because of the damage I did.

The one thing I want you all to know is to never judge someone because they bite their nails. You don't know why they bite their nails and it could be a deep lying issue.  Try and be supportive. I grew tired of people asking me why I bit my nails. It was a deeper issue than they could have ever understood.


Thursday, March 6, 2014

Following :)

Okay if you follow me along can you please leave your blog link in the comments.

If I need permission to view your blog can you give it to me?

I switched over emails so lost some blogs and lost permission to view some blogs.

I would greatly appreciate it!!

If you have a button let me know so I can put it on my blog.

Thanks :)