Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Depression

I was sadden to hear the loss of a great comedian and supporter of our troops, Robin Williams.

It is alleged that he committed suicide. I say alleged due to the facts not being known 100% yet.

Robin Williams admitted having depression. 

I know about being depressed. 

I've had OCD since a very early age. Combined with my learning disorder I experience high anxiety, or generalized anxiety. This had lead to depression in the past.

But to be honest. I didn't know the true meaning of depression until recently. 

I have PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder. 

After a traumatic event PTSD can occur. But what defines it has PTSD is a certain amount of time that has passed since the event occurred. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD before that time had passed. But I was also to a point where I had shut down. 

I let the event that occurred swallow me whole. I relived it, breathed it, locked it inside of myself for so long I was a crumped mess on the floor. 

My husband came home and found me. He scooped me up and held me. And I told the secret I had been carrying with me I silence. 

You see... Sometimes people suffer in silence. Sometimes it's too much for anyone to share so they keep it inside. It eats at them so much. And the more it eats the more it consumes you. 

By this point I was shaking and could barely talk. I had let this event eat me up and it spit me out into a heaping mess. When I say shaking... I mean my husband had to walk behind me to support me because I could barely walk. I could barely talk. What had happened to me was enough to damage my myelin. It was PAINFUL.

Slowly as I realized I did not have to go through this alone, that I didn't have to be strong enough!! There were people around me that would pick me up, literally!! and carry me. Tell me jokes just to see me smile. Never asked me about my pain and waited for me to tell. Because it's my story. 

There were so many times I had to remind myself that I'm a victim. I had to choose to live in the light and not let the dark swallow me. 

This journey of mine has been a long process. 

I still have PTSD. I don't know how long I will have it. But I'll tell you that I'll be okay. 

I'm still not ready to discuss the events that occurred. It's still has raw as when it first happened. But I have my way of handling things when they come up. Like if I experience a trigger and a flashback occurs. Or I burst into tears for no reason. Shake uncontrollably. Afraid. Scared. 

But I'll be okay. 

And thanks to my friends who let me use Frozen or Pitch Perfect references because those movies are a coping mechanism. 

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