Trip Through iPhone Photos

I will properly add photos of our trip later but for now these. 

Mount Rushmore... Honestly isn't as big as I thought it would be. But it's breathtaking. 

Devil Tower... Now this thing is huge. 

And I heard my first rattle snake in Montana. Joy! 

Everything's Going to be Alright

This has become my theme song lately...

Being helpful...

I've recently experienced something traumatic... traumatic enough that I have PTSD.

The twitching began first, then the flashbacks, the fear... the fear of each day of it happening again.

I shake, more like rocking.  Sometimes I can stop, like when I take the medicine to help me sleep.  I enjoy those 5 seconds in the morning when I wake up and I am not shaking, I haven't started shaking.  Those pure 5 seconds of bliss, bliss is the term I want to use, before the shaking stops.

I want to forget what happened, bury it behind me and pretend it never happened. JUST FORGET IT.

But I can't.

I've had to explain over and over I have PTSD.  That a doctor told me that I have the worst case of PTSD that he's seen, and he's seen people coming straight back from war with PTSD.

My body hurts, from the shaking.  I'm sore.  If I fight the shaking it hurts worse, so I've learned to just go with it.

I've had to go out.  Not just because I don't want to be a hermit, but because I have to talk to people. I've had to seek help.  And people stare.

They stare, and no your staring doesn't magically make my shaking stop.
Actually it tends to make me worse... because I feel those stares.

To be helpful, don't stare.
Don't give me medical advice, psychological advice... I HAVE PEOPLE WHO PROFESSIONAL DO THIS FOR ME!!!

Don't ask me to talk about it. I RE-LIVE IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

You can ask me how my day is, what I have planned. You can do so many different things.

So I'm asking be helpful, don't be harmful.

PTSD is hard enough to deal with. It's invisible wounds that hurt. It takes time to heal.

Nail Biting and Anxiety

I have been a nail biting since the ripe old age of 4.
Okay at least I think I was 4.  My parents divorced when I was in kindergarten so it was before then...

I watched a family friend biting her nails. I didn't understand, wondered about it. And I did it. Not only did I do it but no one told me to stop or did anything to stop me.

I began to bite my nails as the stress around me increased. I would bite my nails so much that they would bleed.  If I couldn't bite them any lower I would begin peeling them.

Biting my nails was a way for me to escape what was going on around me.

I didn't find out until later on that biting my nails was linked to my anxiety.

When I was a young child I was diagnosed with a learning disorder.  When I got older I found out that this learning disorder was the cause of my anxiety and OCD. WHAT?
Yeah I didn't truly understand it but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Throughout the years I would attempt to grow out my nails. I have a lovely collection of nail polish that is ever growing.  Painting my nails helps me not to bite. In fact some times I will change the polish every day (has to do with the OCD part).

Well when the New Year rolled around I said I wanted to do one thing. I wanted to stop biting my nails. I even went and purchased new nail polish. I began applying it and slowly my nails began to grow.

 

The bottom photo is when I received the nail polish and started my journey. The ring finger is a Zoya Pixie nail polish and honestly the texture of this nail polish helped reinforce myself not to bite. I would feel it against my lip and pull it away. I also had help from Nick who would remind me to stop, pull my hands away from my mouth, and most of all WOULD ASK WHAT WAS WRONG.

Talking about why I was anxious helped.  Taking anxiety medicine helped. 

The top photo is my nail length now with polish and the left is my nail length without polish. They are growing super fast and I have been cutting and filing them down.  Do you see the white spots? I've been cutting those out. And I've been taking some supplements each day to help.  If you see the tips of my nails those white spots and semi see through spots, low on calcium.

This has been a very long and hard journey for me.  I know that I will always have anxiety.  There isn't a way to get rid of it, I can only just manage it.  I have learned the higher my anxiety is the more pronounced my OCD is.  I have to do a balancing act.  But in all honestly sometimes it's just best to let my OCD take over to help relieve some of my anxiety. 

And the one thing I've learned is that it's okay to take medicine.  There is nothing wrong with taking medicine. I can tell you that 100% because when I am anxious and take my medicine there is a distinct difference.  And when I am having a panic attack and at that moment the life that I know stops existing the medicine helps.

It's my goal to grow my nails out longer than pictured. I've just been cutting them to get out certain defects, which many of us have.  When I first started growing out the ends of my nails were brittle, had grooves. Now they don't.  It's a healthy start.

I can't say that I am a better person because I have nails versus not having nails. I can just say that it's nice to look down and not have your nail beds bleeding because of the damage I did.

The one thing I want you all to know is to never judge someone because they bite their nails. You don't know why they bite their nails and it could be a deep lying issue.  Try and be supportive. I grew tired of people asking me why I bit my nails. It was a deeper issue than they could have ever understood.

Following :)

Okay if you follow me along can you please leave your blog link in the comments.

If I need permission to view your blog can you give it to me?

I switched over emails so lost some blogs and lost permission to view some blogs.

I would greatly appreciate it!!

If you have a button let me know so I can put it on my blog.

Thanks :)

Raise Your Arm Challenge

Recently I took the Dove Raise Your Arm Challenge.

I was supplied Dove Advance Care Deodorant through Influenster.

Did you know that you can remove 36% of your skin when you shave?
I didn't know until my Dove Deodorant Influenster Box came in the mail.

This will be a review of Dove Advance Care Deodorant (Dove) that I received as a part of Influenster to check out and review. 

The container isn't one that I've seen before in a deodorant. Actually when I first opened the box and saw this I thought it looked more like a haircare product.  It's 2.6oz and states that it is a 48 hour antiperspirant deodorant.

 I put it on shortly after receiving it. Due to the snow in the area we haven't received mail in a few days so our mail came quite early when this arrived.

The smell is a floral scent and reminds me of Dove products. I use Dove soap to wash with.

Currently I use Secret Clinical Strength Waterproof. It comes in a 1.6oz container and has 20% antiperspirant.

Overall I prefer the Dove over the Secret.  The smell is better and the quantity is more. But does it work better than Secret?

After I put it on I slid on a black tank top (yes it's winter this was my base layer). And the Dove did not smear all over the tank top. So thumbs up on that!!

I had an appointment. I had hurt my shoulder and needed an MRA to see what was wrong. So off to the hospital I went.  I had to go to Fluoroscopy first. My shoulder was numbed and a very large needle was stuck into my shoulder to inject dye (it was not fun). Even though my shoulder was numb it hurt and I know I was sweating a lot.

I then went over to the MRI.  Not sure if you've ever had an MRI but I basically tell people it's like being inside a tube of toothpaste. It is very narrow. By this point I'm in a lot of pain and I know I'm sweating.

Did the Dove let me down? No!

I finished with the MRI. Went and got dinner. And then watched Nick play with Lulu in the snow. And here several hours later it's like I just put it on.

So Dove now I challenge you. I will be running a 5K in May.  Can you handle that? We'll see.

I recommend that you go out and purchase this deodorant. Especially if you are like me and tend to sweat a lot, especially in nervous situations.

I've used this deodorant for the past few days... and I've noticed a difference.

So why don't you take the Dove Raise Your Arm Challenge and see what Dove Deodorant can do for you.

Santa isn't about race

In the mist of the news blow out of Santa is white not black, wait what race is he... honestly does it matter... wait I'll get to that.

I attended an event where Santa was present.  Santa told The Night Before Christmas. Then the kids sat on Santa's lap and they told him what they wanted for Christmas. 

Some adults got into the fun. And then Santa asked me if I wanted to sit on his lap. Umm... Dearest Santa I'm Jewish and don't believe in you. 

Santa insisted. So I grabbed Nick. I sat down next to Santa and Nick ended up sitting on top of my lap. And someone took a picture of us with my camera. 

Santa whispered to me "the point of me is to get you to smile" and Santa was right. 

As it is Christmas Eve the hope of Santa is in the air. Smiles are throughout because of that hope. That wish of having a present you wanted. 

It doesn't matter what color Santa is. It is what Santa stands for. Happiness. 

So tonight take a piece of that happiness for you. And when I get on my computer I'll post the pic of Nick and I with Santa.